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I suffered a heart attack on the night of December 15, 2006.  I was in North Shore Hospital, Manhassent, New York from December 16th through the 22nd.  I was well taken care of, although the young doctors were clamoring for surgery from the very beginning of my stay in North Shore.  But extensive tests showed that surgery was not warranted.  The part of my heart that sustained the attack was damaged beyond repair; and the remaining undamaged part was doing a good job pumping blood.  However,  I have new medications to take.  In addition to Uroxatral, Proscar, Abilify, and Lexapro, I am now taking Ecotrin, Simvastatin, Alatace, Plavix, and Coreg.  I am no longer taking Lisinopril.

Years of conflict caught up to me.  My peak psychiatric recovery coincided with the peak physical long-term consequences of decades of too much stress, or at least the inability to deal with stress effectively.  But it was only my darkside that died.  I am a better person since coming home from the hospital.

It is more true than ever before that I could die at any time; but I am more fit psychiatrically than ever before.  Both Dora and my Mom visited me in the hospital.  Judy called from Florida.  Leah, Joy, and Josefa called from Israel.   I am not isolated.

I will not be making drastic changes.  God-willing, I will keep blogging, keep publishing  my poems, keep singing and strumming, and resume drawing.   

The weather in New York is delightful for this time of year.  Hanukkah begins the day after tomorrow, and I am no longer oppressed by New York City.  I will be with my Mom on the first day of Hanukkah.  She is a happy trooper these days.

Dora will be going to Newark Airport later today in order to pick up her parents, who already are through with their vacation in Israel.  They will be in my apartment for two nights.  I’m going to make things easier for myself by going to Atlantic City tomorrow.

My sister called me two nights ago.  She seems okay.  She wants my Mom to spend the winters in Florida with her and Yehuda; but this is not in the cards at this time.  My Mom is very happy in Manhattan, and does not want to stop working  two days a week.

I am keeping things simple.  I won’t be in the subway today, or stuck in traffic.  I’ll do a little shopping and walking.  I also plan to sing today, and to start a new drawing, and to publish at least one poem.

It is time to stop the George W. Bush perpetual war machine.

I do not feel bitter or hostile today.  I have nothing to complain about.  I do not see myself as mentally ill.  I see myself as a creative person who is praticing self-control.

My needs are taken care of, and I have the opportunity to be an active Artist.  I will continue to practice my songs, publish my poetry, blog, and draw.  My pet project is the continual promotion of my EP, “Ms. Hooker Is Running Free”, which is widely available on the Internet.

I am one of the fortunate ones.  I am in perpetual healing; not perpetual war.  I have never carried or owned a weapon, nor have I been in anyone’s armed forces.  I have never killed anyone.  I am a concientious objector and a pacifist.  I am proud not to be responsible for anyone’s death.

I hope Americans continue to come to their senses.  There is hope that things will change for the better.  George W. Bush is on his way out.  He is an evil criminal, and matters can only improve once he is out of the picture.

I continue to take Lisinopril, Lexapro, Abilify, Uroxatral, and Proscar.  If my microwave procedure proves to be successful, I probably will be able to stop taking Proscar and Uroxatral.  I will learn more about my Prostate when I see Dr. Dybner on 12/18/06.

For someone who has been found to have a total and permanent disability by the United States Department of Education, I’m doing pretty well.

Today has been difficult for me.  Remembering my experiences with Americans leaves me feeling bitter and hostile.  Hatred is stressful, and someone like myself must minimize pressure.  The past cannot be undone; but matters can improve.   I need to let go of my bitterness and hostility — there’s no point in beating a dead horse.  We all get our just desserts.

My Mental Illness is under control, and although it’s rough for me today, I have been generally better of late.  Yesterday, I sang two songs for the first time in months.  It felt good tuning the guitar again.  I cannot dwell on the past.  I must accentuate the positive.  I’ve recently published five poems at http://poetrypoem.com/nickchina and I’m not terminally ill.

My Mom sounded very well last night on the telephone.  She continues to amaze everyone in her life.  Dora is okay today.

I am in the process of returning to consistent blogging, poetry publishing, singing and strumming, and drawing.  I hope this world overcomes naked American aggression.

As Hanukkah and my 61st birthday approach, I am increasingly repulsed by war.  People killing people is sheer madness, and it threatens us all with total extinction.  Where there is life, there’s hope; and I am praying that people will learn to eliminate war.

Dr. Rudy recently advised me to concentrate on what brings me pleasure and increases my self-esteem.  I am feeling better than I have in the longest time.  I am ready to return to what I do best.  I’ll be blogging more often.  I’ll be publishing my poems at http://poetrypoem.com/nickchina and I’ll be singing and strumming and playing the harmonica.  I’ll also return to drawing, and keep promoting my EP, “Ms. Hooker Is Running Free”.

My Mom is back to her normal, happy self.  Her friends made a birthday party for her last Satruday night, which she enjoyed very much.  But it was touch and go for awhile.  Her trip to Israel was rough.  The atmosphere in Israel is grim, as Israelis are living only for today.  They are not happy with their government.  My Uncle Ben told my Mom that we are in the beginning of World War Three.  What insanity!

Dora is happy and well.  We walked for 21/2 hours together yesterday afternoon.  We continue to get along very well.  Her parents will be here for two nights beginning this Thursday.  Next February 21st, Dora will have been back in my apartment for three years.  Time does fly.

I continue to be on good terms with my sister.  I have bought Hanukkah cards for her, my Mom, and Dora.  I have come a long way since 8/15/03, when I was released from Elmhurst Hospital.  I will continue to lead a simple, conservative lifestyle, praying that we learn to stop killing each other.

I had a good session with Dr. Rudy yesterday.  The most important thing he said was that I am not psychotic.  He also said that if I returned to Marijuana use it would be a red flag that I was getting sick again.  We have decided to stick with 20 mgs. of Lexapro each day and 10 mgs. of Abilify each day for myself at this time.  My session with Dr. Rudy went so well yesterday that I have decided not to seek weekly Psychotherapy.  I see Dr. Rudy again on 12/19/06.

Dora’s parents are safely in Israel, and my Mom is safe in New York.  She made it home safely yesterday afternoon.  She has been resting; but she plans to return to work tomorrow.  She told me that the Birthday Card I sent her is beautiful, “as usual”.  My Mom has five cartons of cigarettes for me.  I will learn more about her trip to Israel when I visit her this Saturday.

Dora is well; but worked very hard to please her parents, so she is relieved that they are safe in Israel for more than one reason.  She has a little more time for herself until they return for two more nights here on their way back to Denver, after 10 days in Israel.

I was Russian; I am Russian; and I will always be Russian.  What Americans have done to me lives in Infamy!

Please visit http://www.cdbaby.com/nickchina 

Dr. Dybner performed his microwave procedure on me two days ago.  So far so good.  I have no complaints about this procedure.  I will know in four to six weeks whether or not it was successful.  In the meantime, Dr. Dybner wants me to call him on the 4th of this month to let him know how I am doing.  My next appointment with him is on 12/18/06.  I continue to have to get up at least three times at night in order to urinate.  I am hoping for the best, as I continue to take Uroxatral and Proscar.

My Mom has been calling me from Israel almost everyday since she went there on 11/21/06.  She is due home on 12/5/06.  We miss each other, although she has been having a good time; but it is true that it makes her sad that my Uncle Ben looks very old, and can hardly walk.  He is 93 years old.  He is a success story; but it is not pleasant to see what Nature does to all of us eventually.  My Mom will be 86 years old the day she returns from Israel.  I have sent her a meaningful Birthday Card.  Time is of the essence, and I am woking on acceptance.

My sister, Judy, has called me about four times since my Mom went to Israel.  Judy will be 65 years old next May 7th.  We are on good terms, and I appreciate the concern for me that she has been showing.  She says things are under control, and that she and her husband, Yehuda, are enjoying their retirement in Florida.

Dora and I continue to get along well.  Her parents have been staying with us since 11/29/06.  The three of them are in my living room right now, watching television.  There has been no conflict among oursleves.  Dora’s parents leave for Israel the day after tomorrow.  They will stay with me and Dora for another four days on their way back to Denver.

Lately, I have been thinking I could benefit from weekly Psychotherapy again.  I will talk to Dr. Rudy about it.  He only sees his patrients once a week if they are in crisis.  Perhaps Dr. Rudy can refer me to a psychologist for weekly psychotherapy.  It never hurts to talk, and there is a lot on my mind.  I will discuss this issue with Dr. Rudy on 12/5/06, the day my Mom turns 86.